Lesson 30

is it my fault that my husband got into sexual sin?

Upon the discovery of her husband’s hidden life, it’s common for a wife to wonder, “Is it my fault? Have I caused him to become involved in his secret sexual sins?” Making it worse, some husbands openly blame their wives for their departure from marital fidelity.

“Intellectually I have always known that my husband’s sin was not my fault,” reflected Danielle, “but what our brain knows and what our hearts feel are not always the same. I was aware of the fact that his sexual sin began before I ever knew him. I also learned fairly early in our marriage that my husband grew up in a sexually dysfunctional home. One of his sisters was repeatedly molested by their father and all of the children engaged in sexually inappropriate play. Understanding that inside his angry exterior, there was a broken little boy helped me confirm that his behaviors were not my fault.

“He did, though, try to lay blame at my feet (if I had dressed more provocatively and been more adventurous sexually he wouldn’t have had to do the things he did). He knew he was just making excuses for himself, but he continued to behave very selfishly and over time it affected our sexual relationship. God has brought a lot of healing into this area of our lives in recent years, but we aren’t all the way there yet. It’s only very recently that my husband has come to the realization that in a godly marriage, the sexual relationship is meant to be about giving pleasure to one another, not simply about seeking self-gratification. I think the biggest key to our continued healing is the fact that we’ve reached the point where we can communicate about these issues openly and without anger.